Tetherd Cow Ahead

So, as we recover from the longest-running Cow Competition ever, only one question remains: who gets the trophy?

Well, as we’ve explored at length in previous Cow discussions, what makes a person laugh is a highly individual thing and so I don’t expect everyone to agree with me on my decisions (yes, decisions – with 200+ entries, there has to be at least one runner up…), but I think you will all agree that this was one of the all-time best laugh-fests we’ve had on the Cow.

Numerous entries had me cracking up on first reading, and many of them are still funny on multiple visits. Joey’s very early entry ‘Okay. We stampede in two minutes. Twenty bucks says Billy’s ass outruns his head again’ set the tone for the hi-jinks to follow, but most importantly gave us ‘Billy’, who went on to be quite a Cow Headliner. Cissy Strutt chimed in with the hilarious ‘Tits!’ to be followed by Atlas’ classic ‘This ain’t what I had in mind when I told you to bring a Trojan’ (after a slightly surreal detour into existentialism from Joey).

And from there it never faltered. I won’t elaborate further – you can revisit them at your leisure for years to come. Or, if you’re really keen, download the pdf of the whole competition in situ, as kindly provided by Atlas Cerise.

Anycow, let’s cut to the chase. In my view, the competition peaked early, and no-one quite reached the rarified heights of entry #50 by Joey Polanski, which I declare to be the overall winner:

I can’t explain quite why this makes me laugh every time I see it, but to me it encapsulates the perfect comment on this photograph: the assertion from the speaking cow is condescendingly self-evident, but its implacable acceptance of the guys in the cow costume plays out the kind of humour that I really like. It does have a certain bee-joke-esque quality as Joey says, but it is very ‘cow’ in its own right. So, Joey, the question now must be – how the heck do I get you your SGM coffee mug?

Now, I’m going to award two runners-up, and I think you may find them just as puzzling as the main winner – but they both made me laugh a lot, and that, of course, is the only criteria for any Cow competition!

Honorable Mention number one goes to Cissy Strutt for:

This needs some explaining too. This is an excellent variation of an old situational gag that I invented quite some years ago, with which Cissy is quite familiar. The schtick goes like this: a bunch of people I know are standing around at a party or somesuch and a newcomer arrives on the scene. As they enter, someone proclaims loudly ‘…and that’s what happened to the cheese sandwich!!’, whereupon everyone else (clued-in by previous arrangement) bursts into laughter. The newcomer is then frustrated to find that no-one wants to tell them the (obviously hilarious) Cheese Sandwich joke. It’s a form of ‘meta’ humour that really tickles my funnybone. You can see how a cow performance elevates it into humour worthy of a prize!

So, Cissy, another SGM mug on its way to you for Christmas.

The second Honorable Mention goes to Queen Willy, for yet another in-joke, but one that was played as a marvellous slam-dunk to create a perfect end for the competition:

It does, of course, refer to this post, and elevates the scenario to a strange situation where two men in a cow suit become the bovine analog of the Archangel Gabriel presenting a mooing Virgin with strange news in the form of text speak. It doesn’t become any weirder than that!!⁽ⁱ⁾ A collectible SGM coffee mug for The Queen too!

Even though I found the above three the funniest of the funny, don’t think I didn’t laugh at mostly everything. It remains only to thank you all for providing such hilarity on The Cow, and contributing to an escapade that I suspect will go into Cow Lore. With 230 comments, How Now Brown Cow? ranks as the highest commented Tetherd Cow Ahead post of all time. Of course we want to do MUCH better than that come January 1, 2010, n’est ce pas?

Oh, and be sure to check out Queen Willy’s Cow Wall for the last laugh!
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Footnotes:

1. But, it has to be said, makes for an interesting commentary on the ‘actual’ event… [↩]

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Funniest comment wins an awesome Simple Graphics Man coffee mug.

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Thanks Kirke! (via Urlesque, via Everything Random – original domain unknown)

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The thought that occurred to me in the middle of the last post was, Faithful Acowlytes, that perhaps I was being a little shortsighted in so perfunctorily dismissing Simple Graphics Man as an appropriate mentor for the ‘lesser’ risks of a busy life.

To that end, I’ve stirred the elves in the Tetherd Cow Ahead Gift Shoppe from their hundred year slumber and I am pleased to announce the launch of the Tetherd Cow Ahead Simple Graphics Man™ Collection!

In these modern times, it’s not always easy to keep your wits about you every single minute, so who better to alert you to the perils inherent in your favourite caffeinated beverage than good ol’ SGM? These unique drinking vessels, handcrafted from the finest alabaster and lovingly detailed by skilled Nubian artisans are only suited to the discerning few.⁽ⁱ⁾ A large mug will set you back $14.50 Australian, and the standard size a very reasonable $13.50.⁽ⁱⁱ⁾ You know you can’t do without one – so don’t wait until you scald yourself again before forking out! Think of it as insurance!

Remember – Christmas is not far off – shop now to avoid disappointment! And you will, of course, be keeping Simple Graphics Man gainfully employed.

What are you waiting for? Go to the gift shop and spend some money!
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Footnotes:

1. i.e. anyone with money [↩]
2. A little less than those numbers if you’re paying US dollars [↩]

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The Continuing Misfortunes of Simple Graphics Man ~

#37: The Ladder of Liability.

One has to think that calling in SGM to warn people about the dangers of using a ladder is starting to seem like hysteria. It’s a LADDER for chrissakes! Next we’ll have SGM cautioning us to be careful that we don’t get our toes jammed in the front door, or that our coffee might be hot!⁽ⁱ⁾

Really, it’s a complete waste of his talents and in this particular example you can tell that he’s just doing the gig for the money. Overacting much?

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This one sent in by Atlas. Thanks!

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Footnotes:

1. Hmmm. Actually, that gives me an idea… [↩]

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He said what?

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Thanks to Atlas (who else?) for bringing this to the attention of The Cow.

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This strange cloud anomaly over Moscow was captured on video last week. Predictably enough, the loonies are out in force attempting to ‘explain’ it and we’ve had everything from a ‘HAARP mothership’⁽ⁱ⁾ to a Sign of the End Times. More than a few have obsessed over the black dots that fly across frame at about the 5 second mark (birds, you idiots) and the most perplexing thing about the whole phenomenon is that there doesn’t seem to be – anywhere that I could find – a single rational attempt to explain it. I also note that there doesn’t seem to be any other footage of this odd event – in this era of ubiquitous image-capturing devices that does seem to me to be slightly unusual. Unless of course everybody who was actually there found it unremarkable, which is another fairly hefty indicator that it’s not a spaceship from Zeta Reticuli.

For the record, my hypothesis is that underneath it somewhere there is a source of thermal disturbance, perhaps a power station, which has caused some kind of convection activity in the low clouds above.

UPDATE: A single user comment on one of the many propagations of the video led me to a possible expanation: a hole-punch or fallstreak cloud. You can see lots of examples by doing a Search™. Hole-punch clouds are caused by aircraft disturbing thin cloud layers. If this is a hole-punch cloud, it is particularly unusual for its symmetry.

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Footnotes:

1. If you don’t know what HAARP is, do a Search™, but be warned, your brain may rot due to a deluge of stupidity [↩]

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An unbiased poll at Tetherd Cow Ahead finds that Stephen Conroy is officially a dunce!

Few things annoy me as much as complete out-and-out pseudoscience, but one of those few things is motivational/aspirational vampires speakers like Anthony Robbins and Deepak Chopra. While I have no doubt that some motivational speakers really believe what they’re saying, and have the best intentions to make people’s lives better, it is certain that many of these lecturn-huggers are nothing more than carnival sideshow spruikers selling a glimpse of a two-headed chicken.⁽ⁱ⁾

Normally, I can’t be bothered with these idiots, but when they spam the Reverend, well then, they’re fair game.

Today I received an email extolling the virtues of some guff called ‘Brain Power – Peak Performance Training’. The person we can expect on stage with the boater and cane is someone called Mark Jansen, whose credentials are so ephemeral that an extensive Search™ turns up little more than a bunch of links back to his Brain Power site.⁽ⁱⁱ⁾ The number one endorsement of Mr Jansen on his spam email comes from a personage named Max Kaan, who does have some credentials… as a stage hypnotist. I leave you to reflect on that for a moment.

I don’t aim to reproduce the entire Brain Power spam here – it’s long-winded and tedious – but it does have a few clangers that I know you will appreciate.

The email begins with a bunch of questions, among which are:

What makes a person a genius? How do some manage to think beyond the average 10%?

Oh no! Not again. The hoary old ‘we only use 10% of our brain’ myth. Man, that thing has been thoroughly debunked for the better part of two decades – if it ever had any credibility in the first place.

Then we have:

Accredited expert Mark Jansen will help you understand and unleash your innate Brain Power. It’s the fascinating bridge between logic and magic…

Uh-oh. The only bridge between logic and magic is of the precarious long wooden suspension kind, with frayed rope at both ends and a lot of slats missing.

With Brain Power Peak Performance Training, you can, so the email promises, enjoy many benefits, including:

8. Access the Infinite Potential that resides inside everyone; and not just the Einstein’s of the World.

Infinite Potential that is not quite infinite enough to cover grammar, punctuation and sentence structure, it would appear.

Elsewhere on the Brain Power site (oh yes, I visited) we find a lot of dreary guff about all manner of things, including numerous references to ‘emotional intelligence’, a staple of touchy-feely fringe psychology which basically says that if you’re not actually intelligent then that’s OK, because there’s another kind of intelligent which is probably the kind you’ve got! There’s no way you could really be genuinely stupid right? Especially if you’re thinking of spending your hard-earned Rand⁽ⁱⁱⁱ⁾ on a Brain Power seminar.

They also wheel out this piece of insipid idiocy:

While reason will allow you to solve a linear mathematical problem, a creative brain will allow you to find inspiring solutions that are beyond the obvious. Eg:- E = MC2

Oh for fuck’s sake. Like other snake-oil venders with whom we are familiar, the ‘brains’ behind Brain Power are spewing out the only piece of ‘high end’ math they know because they think it will be impressive. Well, impressive it may be to the Zombie Armies of the Emotionally Intelligent but any genuinely intelligent person can simplify out that equation for this special context to mean: ‘I am an ignorant twat! Look – I have a Rolex!’.

The site also has the most boring and least informative FAQ I’ve seen in quite some time, which asks only one relevant question and provides an illuminating answer:

6. Is it worth it?

That will be up to the individual. If the attendee absorbs the material and applies the concepts daily, it can and will have the effect of changing one’s life. In terms of value, twelve years of research on the Human Brain in one day. How does one place a value on knowledge?

Alrighty! There we have it – the old Get Out of Jail Free card. You can fork out for Mr Jansen’s seminar, but if you walk away the idiot you were when you handed over your money, then IT’S YOUR FAULT! Perfect!

It remains for us to ask only this question of our own – if Mark Jansen’s ‘Brain Power’ is so successful at turning people (including himself, if he’s behind his own product) into Einstein’s,^(iv) what the fuck is he doing spamming me and schlepping around the motivational speaking circuit?

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Footnotes:

1. And in most cases a glimpse of a two-headed chicken would be better value for your dollar. [↩]
2. Assuming he is not also the lead singer of a heavy metal band. [↩]
3. Mark Jansen and his buddy Max Kaan are both South African. As is the location of the seminar being advertised. And for this they spammed probably millions of email accounts worldwide. Now that’s brain power. [↩]
4. Einstein’s what???? [↩]

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About 7 times out of every 10 that I blog about WooWoo beliefs, I get someone taking exception to what I’ve written and alleging that I’m ‘close-minded’ or ‘I should give it a go’ before I cast any criticisms on whatever it is upon which I am casting criticism.

Mostly those comments are placed well after the post is relevant, and just go unread by anyone except me (unless, of course, you’re fond of scrolling back through old Cow comments for entertainment). Occasionally, though, I decide to bring such commentary up front and attempt to throw some illumination on why irrational thinking annoys me so much. Today, I offer you one such example. On the recent post Global WooWoo, Luc writes:

There are many aspects of human life which we don’t understand. Just because we don’t understand how something work doesn’t mean it doesn’t. Skeptics are everywhere. Reading something and actually doing it or in this case try the product are different if not opposite. Just because it doesn’t work on you, name calling those who actually tried the product and them experience something from the product is not some one I would call an expert. You called yourself a Reverend, how do I know that. To me you’re some guy blogging in the internet. I don’t think we should be so quick to judge something or in your case condemn it before trying.

Sigh. Where to start. I think it’s gotta be a line-by-line. Luc. Are you sitting comfortably? Very well, let’s begin.

There are many aspects of human life which we don’t understand.

Yes there are. I have never disagreed with that statement. But if you’re going to try and sneak idiotic thinking under the fence with that, you picked the wrong guy.

Just because we don’t understand how something work doesn’t mean it doesn’t.

Also true. However, if you have a good, rational, grasp of the world, you can infer the probability of something working or not working for a good many practical cases. I will provide an example in a moment.

Skeptics are everywhere.

Yes we are. And our numbers are growing. Be afraid.

Reading something and actually doing it or in this case try the product are different if not opposite.

Even though that sentence is fairly incoherent, I think I get the gist of it. You’re saying that I should try before I sound off, right?

Luc, let’s do a little experiment together, you and I. Do you have a hammer, Luc? Yes? Do you have some ordinary table salt?* Good. Now take that hammer and sit at your dining room table – clear a little space in front of you to make it easier. Now Luc, put a little salt on the table – about a teaspoonful, and spread it out a bit. Now, place your left hand on the table on top of the salt, and take the hammer in your right hand (or vice versa if you’re left-handed). OK, now, put your trust in me and follow my instructions very carefully – raise the hammer as high as you can from your sitting position and with it, hit your left hand as hard as you can. I know it sounds scary, but you have to try it! Seriously! The salt will stop the hammer from doing any damage! Trust me, this really works! It won’t hurt a bit.

Oh Luc… I see you’re not trusting me here! Don’t you believe me? You don’t have any faith, Luc!

Can you see what’s happening here, Luc? You chose not to hit your hand because your rational knowledge of the world gave you enough useful information to make an appraisal of the probable outcome. Your brain balanced up the usefulness of trusting me against the likeliness of the excruciating pain of crushed fingers and you sensibly chose to ignore my instructions.†

This is how critical thinking works. You can make intelligent, informed choices about things (and avoid pain or financial embarrassment) without trying them yourself. As I’ve said elsewhere, I don’t need to try and live on nothing but fresh air for three weeks to know that that’s a fairly moronic idea. Do you see what I’m saying here? I don’t have to try idiotic magic bracelets or socks to have an informed opinion on the likelihood of them having any practical effect. And you see how it works, Luc? The more you understand about the world, the better positioned you are to form such opinions.

Just because it doesn’t work on you, name calling those who actually tried the product and them experience something from the product is not some one I would call an expert.

Again, navigating around the baffling sentence structure, I infer you to be attempting to say that if something doesn’t work on me, then I can’t say that it doesn’t work on someone else.

Well, sadly for your argument Luc, I can say exactly that. You see, in a case like this, it’s not me that has to put up the proof. I’m not the one making the far-fetched claims. If someone makes magic socks that are supposed to have magical effects, then the onus is on them to show me persuasive evidence that the magic socks are doing what is claimed. And – listen carefully – this does not mean diffuse, imprecise, anecdotal evidence that could easily be explained in numerous other ways. This means clear, unequivocal, testable substantiation of the claims.

You called yourself a Reverend, how do I know that.

Oh, so now you’re a skeptic! You see how easy that was?!

As for me being a Reverend, well, I was ordained by the Universal Life Church on November 16, 2005, and have the documents to prove it. My credentials are as good as, or even better than, anyone selling QLink or EFX.

I don’t think we should be so quick to judge something or in your case condemn it before trying.

Exactly what makes you think I’m being ‘quick’ to condemn this nonsense, Luc? Quite to the contrary, my condemnation of these idiotic tsotchkes is based on many years of experience of thousandss of similar trinkets all claiming to deliver a cornucopia of incredible results. Do you hear what I’m saying? Whatever gadget happens to be your particular favourite is just as much a piece of junk as a Biorhythm calculator, a razor-blade sharpening pyramid, a carbolic ball, a violet wand, a magnetic fuel saver, an electronic pest repeller, BluWave & RedWave and any of hundreds more implausible devices created by people intent on bilking you of your money.

Luc, I will end this reply by asking you one simple thing: show me your evidence. If it is good, I WILL be convinced. But I will put up with no airy-fairy maybe-it-did-maybe-it-didn’t nonsense. I want results. Clear, unequivocal, unbiased results. Surely that’s only a small thing to ask? If your favourite gadget does something easily defined and obvious, then that should be a pretty easy thing to provide. If, however, the claims of its manufacturers are blurry, vague and equivocal, then maybe you should be asking yourself some serious questions.

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*This is a typical piece of WooWoo misdirection – an implausible claim is dressed up by some irrelevant distraction thrown in to lead your thinking process astray. Why salt? Same reason as Schumann Waves/holograms/magnets etc

†At least I hope so – if you actually went ahead and did it, then you’re an idiot beyond salvaging and I wish you the best of luck for the rest of what will almost certainly be a short and crappy life.

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